Issues & Injury

Yesterday I talked to Danes teacher who said he got a time out for throwing wood chips at other kids.  He came back into the school crying and hitting the wall.  I asked him if anything happened in school and he did tell me he got into trouble.  I told his teacher that this is the behavior issues we have with him at home.  If we tell him "no" he throws an attitude.  He hits us, himself, the wall, throws, knocks over...uncontrollable!

Today he must have been upset from the incident still.  He was a handful for my wife to keep him calm.  I called home from work to see how things were going.  She said she kept him home from school.  When they got home to get ready to take Dane to school he started banging his head on the floor.  He got a big bump on his head.  He also gave himself a nosebleed from hitting his head.  I sat in my car at work just shaking my head wondering what we're going to do about this behavior.

I got him this ball called "perplexus."  I thought he'd like it.  It's like a little marble you roll around these obstacles from start to finish.  He likes it but he gets mad at it.  He got upset at something and started hitting himself with the ball.  He put a dent in it so I had to take a screw and pull out the dent.

When Grandpa came over to visit we took my vehicle to put air into the tire because the low tire pressure light was on.  Since I was putting air into my tire I thought I'd pump up the kids hopper balls. When we got home Dane didn't like how hard the ball was so he started hurting his teeth and pulled out the plug.  I let some air out and he was fine.  His attitude and behavior really has me concerned.

He swears, hits and has unbelievable outbursts lately.  I am thinking were are getting to the point of having in home services to work with him instead of driving him to a clinic.  I thought those services were doing well with him but now I think we need to change our plan of action.

Dane really thinks and asks questions that makes my jaw drop.  He asked me how many rocks there are in space.  "4?" he asks.  I said, "Well, the moon is one big rock and the stars are all rocks that are on fire."  He then asks why they are on fire. 

Problem Solving

Dane is a problem solver.  At his grandparents house he and his sister were playing with one of grandma's penny banks.  It reminds me of that game "Plinko" on "The Price is Right."  Grandma told the kids to only put penny's down the slot.  What do you know, one of the kids took a quarter and got it stuck in the thing.  Grandma raised her voice a little because her friend who died made the bank many years ago.  Dane stormed off and said that he was going to hurt himself.  He started biting the door frame.  What does a parent do when their child has these behavior issues?  The counselors tell me to ignore that and I do but it really bothers me.

After he calmed down Grandpa and Grandma had hooks going down into the bank to push the quarter over to fall down the slot.  Dane looked at the sides and said, "Grandpa, these sides are bigger and it will fit."  Sure enough, Grandpa pushed the quarter over and tipped the bank on the side and the quarter came out.  Everyone laughed in shock how he figured that out by looking at it. 

Play Date

Since my wife works the night shift I need to keep the kids entertained to let her get sleep.  Usually I have to run out to the country to visit their Grandpa.  Out there I get a chance to put my feet up and let the kids run around.  I also get to get caught up on my family and talk with dad.

I have to discipline the kids when they don't listen or do bad things so I punish them by not going to their Grandpa's.  That also hurts me because there I can unwind and have help watching my kids.  I feel they see too much of their Grandpa and that's probably why they don't listen to me.  Grandpa likes to give in way too much and not say "no."  That causes trouble for me when I get the kids home.  They feel like they can do whatever they want and walk over me.

Some days I am so exhausted after working all day.  My feet hurt, I'm tired and hungry.  All I want to do is get home some days and take a shower and sit down.  Luckily today the kids were actually napping when I got home and I got to catch a cat nap with them.

After they woke up that's the start of another full time job keeping them happy and entertained.  I let them go outside and Dane organizes his pinwheels and played with the bubble mower.  Ally plays on the swings.  Sometimes Ally will take things from Dane and he hits her in the back.  I hate it when he does that.  He needs to learn to use his words and not his fists.  He needs to hear that makes his sister sad and it hurts her.  The no hitting social story from the school helped explain that to him.  His therapist also explains to him.  He has a hard time seeing how others feel.

I told them we'd go up to the park because I had to send out a letter for another speech evaluation on Dane.  I went the wrong way and instead of turning around I went to my cousin's place.  He has 2 boys the same age as mine.

It is important for Dane to have someone close to him to play with.  I have seen many benefits with his behavior watching and learning from other children.  Daycare is very beneficial having him see all the other kids dressing themselves and how they use their manners.  We do not need daycare the way our work schedules line up.  We use it 2 days a week for Danes benefit.  It also helps my wife to get some sleep after working all night.  It also gives me a couple hours to get something done around the house and a break from the kids.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays Dane has his therapy after Dawn works all night.  She has to come home and quickly get the kids back out the door for the next few hours.  I don't know how she stays awake.  This is just something we have to do to help Dane overcome some of his issues.  He is maturing and learning to do things more independently.  Right at the moment his fine motor skills are declining and therapy and us have to help him work on that.

Emotional Behavior

Behavior.  What set's it off?  Sometimes something as little as shutting off the kitchen sink.  Dane will have to turn the water on then off or he will have a meltdown.  He has been getting better with his intensive 3 hour therapy sessions two days a week.

Over the weekend we had a cookout at my parents.  We were looking at how bad my dads shingles are on his roof over his house.  45 years old those shingles are and now dad is considering putting a steel roof on.  The shingles on the garage that my brother and I helped roof less then 8 years ago look like crap.  Most of them are curling up already?  Everything is made so cheap.  Those shingles had a 30 year warranty I thought?  Dad says shingles these days your lucky to get 15 years use.

The neighbor down the road stopped in on his 4 wheeler.  He told dad about his steel roof that he put on and wanted to show him.  He wanted dad to jump on the wheeler and take him down the road.  Dad didn't want to go but my brother and I told him to go.

Dane didn't see that Grandpa left on the 4 wheeler and then seen him down the road.  He got really upset.  He stood on the edge of the driveway crying until Grandpa got back.  After he came back, in the neighbors truck, Dane stormed off because the 4 wheeler didn't come back.  He wanted to go for a ride.  He stormed off down the road and I had to run to catch him.  He stayed on side because I have really been pushing him to stay on the side of the road. I never let him close to the road unless I am with him.  I don't know if he'd just walk out into traffic.  Eventually I got him turned around to walk back to the house with me.

Later that evening then neighbor came back on his 4 wheeler and I got to give Dane a ride.  I took him down the road to their farm. We looked at the cows and turned around.  I knew the whole while he was thinking about riding it.  I think that made him happy for the rest of the night.

Don't React. Act

Upon discussing with the family counselor we have learned that we say too much.  When the children are misbehaving or we do not like what they are doing we don't act.  We need to give a look of disapproval and if bad behavior is the problem, time out.

Talking and scolding goes no where.  It gives the children negative attention.  Whether attention is good or bad, it is still attention.   We need to put a mark on the brain when learning good from bad.  When bad happens we need to teach the kids that they have done something bad.  Praise is when they do good and compliment how good they were.  Being naughty deserves nothing.  That is why talking doesn't help.  Explaining doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work.  Say nothing.  After time out, ask what s/he did wrong.  If they shrug their shoulders, tell them what was wrong.

With Danes auditory processing disorder, the counselor explained that while we are 3 sentences into telling him what he did wrong, he's back on the first few words.  I try to cut sentences short so he understands but the counselor is right.  Bad behavior doesn't even deserve explanation.  Soon we should be able to get "the look" as she describes it.  When the children are misbehaving and giving them that look will make them stop in their tracks.  Like a deer in headlights.

Dane had a meltdown the other night because Allyson stepped on his pin wheel.  She barely touched it with her foot.  Dane reacted very emotionally and wanted a new pin wheel.  He kept saying "Ally broke it."  He wanted to go to the store.  He jumped in my vehicle and was pushing down on the pedals to drive.  I have to keep the doors locked on both cars so he doesn't go in anymore.

I explained and kept telling Dane that his pin wheel was fine.  It still spins, it is not broke.  We don't have to go to the store.  On and on I kept telling him.  Nothing worked.  In a meltdown like this the counselor said I wasted my breath.  She said to get him in the house and put him in his room.  I said that he'd scream, kick and hit if I carried him in. In this case, I need to get down behind him and firmly hug him.  Not saying anything as well to get him to come out of that state.

When bad behavior is a problem, we can't just stay sitting on the couch telling the kids not to do what we disapprove of as parents.  We need to get up and make them stop.  That is why my kids have me wrapped around their little fingers at times.  I need to regain control of my household.  It doesn't pay to get excited and yell because that just makes things worse.  Get up and make the kids learn who is in charge.

stress

Why is it when parents work so hard all week, coming home to kids who don't listen and being together as a family make your work life much happier then your home life? I cannot understand this. All I want is a happy family. Having an autistic son and a daughter who copy's his behavior makes things harder.

My wife works 3rd shift in a factory. I work 1st at that same job. We do this in order to eliminate day care and make ends meet. Do ends ever meet? Why is it so hard to get our kids to listen to us and make our home life happier?

The way I see it is that my wife has a certain way of raising our kids. When I get the kids is a different way of control. When were together as parents our kids take control over our household. They do not want to listen to either one of us. They fight and tell us "No."

They listen to my wife when it is just her watching the kids. They listen to me when I have the kids. Our structure as a family when were all together seems to diminish some days. Were unhappy. Then the kids settle down and then there is serenity where we can be happy again. It's the time of disagreement and the kids fighting and not listening that brings us to our knees wondering, "What are we doing wrong?"

Things would be totally different if just one of us could stay home. We are living as single parents raising these kids. Will things get better? I sure hope so.

With the intensive therapy starting for my son and my daughter getting out of diapers things should be getting back on the right track. God I hope so.

Sensory or Behavioral Meltdown?

There has to be two forms of an autistic meltdown. Sensory meltdown and behavioral meltdown. I'm not positive of this. This is just my concerns from what I witness with my son.

A sensory meltdown occurs when the nervous system goes into a sensory over-load. This involves the sense of touch, smell, taste, sound and vision. When an over stimulating environment causes the mind to scramble and not process the information fast enough.

A behavioral meltdown happens when the autistic child doesn't get to do something and can't get a hold of themselves till they get it done with. No matter how small the situation.

Tonight my dad was on the phone and he hung it up without my son saying hello and goodbye to who was on the other end. This upset him to a point of a tantrum that wouldn't end. It is one of his routines to say "hello and goodbye" to the other person on the phone. Thus, the behavioral meltdown in my view.

I put it off and tried to let him cry himself out and calm down without my help. I thought it would only last a few minutes but it lasted a long time. Usually I try to rub his back or give him a tight hug for sensory stimulation but tonight he wouldn't let me near him. Maybe being tired and a nap cut short triggered this?

Going on to 40 minutes he wasn't getting any better emotionally. I had to do something about this. He was making himself sick he was crying so much. All because he didn't say "hello" on the phone.

It came to the point where I called my parents home phone from my cell phone. The phone rang and he finally got to say hello and goodbye to me on the other line. Now the tears turned into sniffles and sighs of relief. All it took was for me to call and have him answer.

It makes me sick thinking that it will be like this until he has more therapy. He needs to understand that some things he cannot do. He needs to not get so upset over the smallest things. I know I could have prevented the prolonged tantrum by calling earlier. I should have. I wanted to see if he could end it on his own but it wasn't happening. How do I redirect his attention to not focus on the phone? Nothing was changing his mind.

Sometimes a parent feels lost what way they can do or should have done earlier to prevent a situation like this.  The best way to handle a meltdown, is to prevent it from happening.  You just don't know what will trigger it off.