Patience

Dane has little to no patience.  When he has it in his head that he wants something or go somewhere he yells at me, "Now!"  This happens right when I get home from work.  I only ask that I eat and take a quick shower before we do anything together. 

Today, Dane wanted to go to Grandpa's, as usual.  "Now Daddy!"  I tell him that we would leave soon.  Soon isn't soon enough.  He wants to go, now!  He grrs, clenches his fists, stomps his feet and then says, "Fine, I'm going!"  I try to hurry and get dressed and he's out the door and in my vehicle.  He adjusted the rearview mirror and got fingerprints all over it.  He had the dome lights on and was sitting in the back seat.  He was more then ready to leave.  With or without me.  But he has a problem.  I am his ride.  If he's going anywhere, its through me to decide.  I don't like being yelled at and told to "Shut up" whenever I tell him to do something.  Then he grumbles and say's that I'm naughty.  When I turn around and say that he's naughty he rolls up into a ball and cries.

So here I am at my dads venting out on this blog my frustration while he watches the kids for a bit while I write this.  I work all day and am very tired and just want to sit down.

The neighbors dog, Spud shows up here all the time.  He's a cute Jack Russel and looks like that dog from the tv series, Frasier.  Dane just adores that dog and says its his dog.  I don't mind the dog coming to visit but my problem is when it runs across the road, Dane wants to follow.  Dane gets on the edge of the driveway and waits for that dog to come back.  He isn't on the road and I keep telling him to get back.  He's too close to the road.  Finally Spud comes back and he chases it around the yard.

In writing this, Ally, my daughter comes in and said that Dane peed on her.  Great, now I have to explain or have Danes therapist, Katie draw him a picture showing him that it is not polite to pee on others.  The last story she drew was about him not spitting on others.  Dane was spitting on Ally, chewing up his food and then spitting it out on her plate and laughing histaricly.  That's bad behavior and needs to be disciplined.  A time out is an order.  Dane is so tall and strong and I try to keep him in the chair and look disappointed at him like our family counceler told us to do.  Bad behavior needs no attention drawn to it.  She told us to use the words, "You Will Not!"  and not over explain because he's not listening anyway.

Disrespect / Defiance

Is it too much to ask for a little respect from my kids?  I tell them to do something and I get "Shut Up"  in a under tone voice.  I also get told to "Go Away", "Be Quiet", "Your Naughty" and "Your not my best friend anymore!"

I have also heard some swear words lately.  Dane kept saying the F word over and over before bed.  I told him that is a naughty word and that's not nice to say.  I also told him that it makes daddy sad and that he will get in trouble in school for saying that.  Not to mention I heard him say G*d Da**it when angry.

Yesterday Dane was just waking up from a short nap.  Allyson was playing with one of his tractors.  He ran up behind her and slapped her bare back leaving a hand print.  That was the hardest he has ever hit her.  She did nothing to deserve that.  He got a 5 minute time out for that.

Usually when he got a time out he would go to his room and slam the door.  Then he would lay on the floor and do a bicycle kick shaking the entire house.  He broke the trim off he kicks so hard.  This time out was different.  He stayed in there the entire time and was quiet.  He didn't put up a fight.  I think it clicked that he really did something wrong and knew he deserved this discipline.

When Dane gets tired he is at his worst.  He keeps bugging Ally.  She cries and screams at him.  He is wired up and doesn't listen.  Does he not understand what I am saying?  Is he ignoring me?  He bangs his head on me, on Ally's back, on his knee and on the arm of the couch.  He makes moaning noises and laughs.

My wife has been taking him for a short drive to get him away when he is like that.  I stay home with Ally and she drives him around the park.  It is a big difference when he gets back in the house.  He is calmed down.  I don't know what it is but that short drive settles him down.  Maybe he is so over stimulated that he needs time alone on a quiet drive around town.  I will have to ask the therapist what we can do for stimulating games for him to settle himself down when he is like this.

It's funny though.  Dane has been coming up to me asking for squeezes.  I give him a tight hug and hold him for a minute or two.  I ask how he is and he says he's better.   It has to be sensory related.  He acts naughty but can't help it possibly.  He doesn't answer when we tell him not to be doing something wrong.  He is off in his own world.

Play Date

Since my wife works the night shift I need to keep the kids entertained to let her get sleep.  Usually I have to run out to the country to visit their Grandpa.  Out there I get a chance to put my feet up and let the kids run around.  I also get to get caught up on my family and talk with dad.

I have to discipline the kids when they don't listen or do bad things so I punish them by not going to their Grandpa's.  That also hurts me because there I can unwind and have help watching my kids.  I feel they see too much of their Grandpa and that's probably why they don't listen to me.  Grandpa likes to give in way too much and not say "no."  That causes trouble for me when I get the kids home.  They feel like they can do whatever they want and walk over me.

Some days I am so exhausted after working all day.  My feet hurt, I'm tired and hungry.  All I want to do is get home some days and take a shower and sit down.  Luckily today the kids were actually napping when I got home and I got to catch a cat nap with them.

After they woke up that's the start of another full time job keeping them happy and entertained.  I let them go outside and Dane organizes his pinwheels and played with the bubble mower.  Ally plays on the swings.  Sometimes Ally will take things from Dane and he hits her in the back.  I hate it when he does that.  He needs to learn to use his words and not his fists.  He needs to hear that makes his sister sad and it hurts her.  The no hitting social story from the school helped explain that to him.  His therapist also explains to him.  He has a hard time seeing how others feel.

I told them we'd go up to the park because I had to send out a letter for another speech evaluation on Dane.  I went the wrong way and instead of turning around I went to my cousin's place.  He has 2 boys the same age as mine.

It is important for Dane to have someone close to him to play with.  I have seen many benefits with his behavior watching and learning from other children.  Daycare is very beneficial having him see all the other kids dressing themselves and how they use their manners.  We do not need daycare the way our work schedules line up.  We use it 2 days a week for Danes benefit.  It also helps my wife to get some sleep after working all night.  It also gives me a couple hours to get something done around the house and a break from the kids.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays Dane has his therapy after Dawn works all night.  She has to come home and quickly get the kids back out the door for the next few hours.  I don't know how she stays awake.  This is just something we have to do to help Dane overcome some of his issues.  He is maturing and learning to do things more independently.  Right at the moment his fine motor skills are declining and therapy and us have to help him work on that.

Don't React. Act

Upon discussing with the family counselor we have learned that we say too much.  When the children are misbehaving or we do not like what they are doing we don't act.  We need to give a look of disapproval and if bad behavior is the problem, time out.

Talking and scolding goes no where.  It gives the children negative attention.  Whether attention is good or bad, it is still attention.   We need to put a mark on the brain when learning good from bad.  When bad happens we need to teach the kids that they have done something bad.  Praise is when they do good and compliment how good they were.  Being naughty deserves nothing.  That is why talking doesn't help.  Explaining doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work.  Say nothing.  After time out, ask what s/he did wrong.  If they shrug their shoulders, tell them what was wrong.

With Danes auditory processing disorder, the counselor explained that while we are 3 sentences into telling him what he did wrong, he's back on the first few words.  I try to cut sentences short so he understands but the counselor is right.  Bad behavior doesn't even deserve explanation.  Soon we should be able to get "the look" as she describes it.  When the children are misbehaving and giving them that look will make them stop in their tracks.  Like a deer in headlights.

Dane had a meltdown the other night because Allyson stepped on his pin wheel.  She barely touched it with her foot.  Dane reacted very emotionally and wanted a new pin wheel.  He kept saying "Ally broke it."  He wanted to go to the store.  He jumped in my vehicle and was pushing down on the pedals to drive.  I have to keep the doors locked on both cars so he doesn't go in anymore.

I explained and kept telling Dane that his pin wheel was fine.  It still spins, it is not broke.  We don't have to go to the store.  On and on I kept telling him.  Nothing worked.  In a meltdown like this the counselor said I wasted my breath.  She said to get him in the house and put him in his room.  I said that he'd scream, kick and hit if I carried him in. In this case, I need to get down behind him and firmly hug him.  Not saying anything as well to get him to come out of that state.

When bad behavior is a problem, we can't just stay sitting on the couch telling the kids not to do what we disapprove of as parents.  We need to get up and make them stop.  That is why my kids have me wrapped around their little fingers at times.  I need to regain control of my household.  It doesn't pay to get excited and yell because that just makes things worse.  Get up and make the kids learn who is in charge.

feelings

When Dane wants something or to do something, it's NOW!  There in no patience involved.  He doesn't get the fact when someone is busy that he needs to wait a bit.  It is always about him.  He doesn't seem to think of others or how it will affect their feelings.

My wife bought a baby book with pictures to show the feelings of others.  I can see why she bought it.  I don't think he knows or understands facial expressions.  To see and visualize what these people are feeling in the photos helps him to see expression.

The first picture was a happy family.  I had to tell him over and over that this is the kind of family we want.  Happy Family.  Next picture was sad.  I want him to know that we want and need a happy family and not a sad or angry family.  I go on to explain that when he is sad or angry that the whole family is affected.  I hope it sinks in that happy is so much better then angry.  We can do more when everyone is happy.  When the kids don't listen we have to discipline and not go to the store.  Not go outside.  It affects everyone.  Parenting is not as fun as they make it look on television.  Especially when you have one with special needs and needs special attention given to.

I hope with his therapy that he will be able to control his frustration in time.  When he is frustrated, he will storm off and say he's gonna do it, go outside, hit something or break something.  "Daddy, go outside?"  he says.  "No, Dane.  It's raining and windy and cold."  I say.  "Alright!  I'm going outside!"  and he storm off trying to get out.  No is never an answer with him.  Again, it's always what he wants and feels nothing about others.  Even when I say, "Pretty soon."  That's not soon enough and he gets angry and try's to storm out without anyone being ready.  Not even he is ready to go out.  Skip the shoes and coat.  He wants out and he's going with or without me or his shoes and jacket.  Everything has to be done at the drop of a hat.

Case Worker Observation

I knew it would be like this.  Our case worker came by at 4 pm today to observe Dane and how severe his autism is.  He did everything she asked him to do within an hours time.  She asked him questions while I watched his sister.  He mostly played with his water table but took the time to bring me a broken screw that was sitting on my deck.  She asked him to bring the screw to me.

Allyson, my daughter, was playing with her push mower that blows bubbles and I needed to get the mail.  I took her by the hand thinking I had time to get it without Dane noticing.  Dane and his observer were on the other side of the house so I thought it would be safe.  Just as I was back on my side of the street with my mail, Dane seen that I got the mail without him.  He ran and grabbed it out of my hand and went to put it back into the mail box, closed it, and then took the mail back out.  He was on the verge of a meltdown.  His eyes were wide open and it looked like he was going to cry his eyes out.  That was adverted by him getting the mail.  If I did not let him, things would have gotten ugly with his emotions.

I took the mail into the house and then got Allyson her 4 wheeler power wheels ready for her to ride on.  The case worker had Dane fill a cup with water and put 3 dandelions in the cup.  He pulled out the flowers and counted, "1, 2, 3." and put them in the cup.

I am clueless to some of the things she asked of him because I was busy keeping his sister away from him.

The case worker asked me what kind of discipline I use.  I told her it depends if were inside or outside.  If we are outside, I told her we go back in the house if he doesn't listen.  If we're inside, I take his toys away.  I told her we tried "time out" with him but he would kick down the door.  Time out never worked because of that.  I told her that not going to Grandpa's house was how I disciplined because he always looks forward to going there.

Dane was a perfect angel during the whopping hour observation.  If she could only see what he's like when she isn't there to observe his behavior the other 23 hours of the day.

"DISCIPLINE"

My autistic son has a hard time dealing with his emotions.  They take over and run his life.  As a parent dealing with behavioral meltdowns it is complicated to not set off his temper.  When he has his mind set on something, like, going to the store with Grandpa, telling him "No" can trigger this emotion.  We try to explain that, "Grandpa will be right back!" doesn't help.  He can't deal with being left out for a few minutes.

This brings up his behavioral meltdown/tantrum.  His mind is over-loaded with sadness and heartache that he is left out.  Then comes anger.  He throws, stomps his feet, slaps the wall and slams the doors.

What do you do with a child who learn these life situations and can understand?  You use discipline.  Autistic or not, discipline has to be a used practice.  To not discipline the child for being naughty and not listening to you lets that child walk all over you.  Soon, you will not have any control over bad moments if they get away with bad behavior all the time.

Take something away like their favorite toy to teach them that they were bad.  When they are good they can have it back.  Think of a way to teach your child that they were doing something wrong and not listening to you.  Discipline has its key role to teach our children right from wrong.

My sons Behavioral Therapist through the school gave us a reward chart to use.  When he is good and does as he is told, he gets a smiley face sticker on the chart.  When his goal is not reached, he gets a sad face sticker.  When he sees more smiley faces on that chart it makes him feel that he is meeting his goals.  That also makes a parent happy to see your child doing what they are supposed to do.

With discipline comes rewards.  A child who maintains his self-discipline deserves something for his/her good work.  You have to let the child know that you are pleased with the results you are seeing.  Let the child choose their reward also.  Something like a small toy or to play at the park.  It doesn't have to be big, just something the child enjoys.  Giving the child a choice in their rewards makes them feel happy and in control. 

That is what discipline is about.  Taking something bad and making something good come out of it.  Like their behavior.