mind games

When I want Dane to do something and I tell him to do it he responds differently.  I do not know if he is not listening, doesn't hear me, doesn't understand, not paying attention or completely ignoring me.  It gets very frustrating.  I am tired of telling him over and over.  It has to be his auditory processing disorder part of his autism.

When I tell his sister to do something she stands there and shakes her head "no."  Then comes times where she has something she shouldn't have.  She had a marker in her hand this morning and was walking around the house with it.  I wanted to take it from her and she ran off with it.  She got to her room and dropped it and slammed the door.  I picked up the marker to put it up so she can't get to them.  She came back out and screamed she wanted to color.

Last night at Grandpas the kids got out the garden hose.  Dane was soaked to the bone spraying himself.  He ran away from me when I wanted to get him back into dry clothes.  Eventually he came up to my dad and wanted to be changed.  About 10 minutes later he came back full of mud from playing in the wet grass they sprayed with the hose.

Ally came up to me and said that Dane put dirt down her pants.  I looked and her underwear was full of dirt.  She was filthy!  I made her go in the house and take bath.  I had to sweep up the mess after she got undressed.  It was a lot of dirt.   After Ally got out of the tub, Dane wanted a bath.  Of course he had to have his sandbox toy he calls, "Spinner."  That seems like the only toy that brings him joy.  He sleeps with it even.

My basement is a mess.  Not only do they drag toys all over the house and make me pick up constantly after them.  They got into the guinea pig bedding and threw it down the stairs and all over the basement floor.  We have a social story to pick up toys I will have to use with Dane.  We have had success with the no hitting social story.  Instead of hitting Ally he growls, clenches his fists and yells, "I'm mad at you!"

Play Date

Since my wife works the night shift I need to keep the kids entertained to let her get sleep.  Usually I have to run out to the country to visit their Grandpa.  Out there I get a chance to put my feet up and let the kids run around.  I also get to get caught up on my family and talk with dad.

I have to discipline the kids when they don't listen or do bad things so I punish them by not going to their Grandpa's.  That also hurts me because there I can unwind and have help watching my kids.  I feel they see too much of their Grandpa and that's probably why they don't listen to me.  Grandpa likes to give in way too much and not say "no."  That causes trouble for me when I get the kids home.  They feel like they can do whatever they want and walk over me.

Some days I am so exhausted after working all day.  My feet hurt, I'm tired and hungry.  All I want to do is get home some days and take a shower and sit down.  Luckily today the kids were actually napping when I got home and I got to catch a cat nap with them.

After they woke up that's the start of another full time job keeping them happy and entertained.  I let them go outside and Dane organizes his pinwheels and played with the bubble mower.  Ally plays on the swings.  Sometimes Ally will take things from Dane and he hits her in the back.  I hate it when he does that.  He needs to learn to use his words and not his fists.  He needs to hear that makes his sister sad and it hurts her.  The no hitting social story from the school helped explain that to him.  His therapist also explains to him.  He has a hard time seeing how others feel.

I told them we'd go up to the park because I had to send out a letter for another speech evaluation on Dane.  I went the wrong way and instead of turning around I went to my cousin's place.  He has 2 boys the same age as mine.

It is important for Dane to have someone close to him to play with.  I have seen many benefits with his behavior watching and learning from other children.  Daycare is very beneficial having him see all the other kids dressing themselves and how they use their manners.  We do not need daycare the way our work schedules line up.  We use it 2 days a week for Danes benefit.  It also helps my wife to get some sleep after working all night.  It also gives me a couple hours to get something done around the house and a break from the kids.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays Dane has his therapy after Dawn works all night.  She has to come home and quickly get the kids back out the door for the next few hours.  I don't know how she stays awake.  This is just something we have to do to help Dane overcome some of his issues.  He is maturing and learning to do things more independently.  Right at the moment his fine motor skills are declining and therapy and us have to help him work on that.

Fear

My son has never showed any fear towards anything that I can think of. He has been going into the bedrooms and basement with only a flashlight to shine things. When I turn on the light he tells me to turn it off. He says the lights hurt his eyes. He will push a stool to the lights and then pull the chains to shut them all off. The next time I go into the basement I can't see anything.

My 3 year old daughter is developing normally and having the typical scares and carries a security blanket. My son never developed a special bond with a blanket or a stuffed animal. He preferred to sleep next to a pin wheel or a matchbox car because he enjoys spinning things for visual stimulation. That is his security now that I think about it.

If I do not shut the doors behind me, my daughter will yell to "Shut the door!" She is afraid of monsters or something. She is very afraid of the dark. My son thinks it is funny to shut off the light and shut her inside the room. I think I need a social story to teach him not to do that. It scares his sister and he needs a visual aid to help understand.

Spiders also have my daughter frightened. My son does not show terror to something creepy like that and will pick them up.  My daughter will scream and tell him to "Stop that! That's scary!" The nastiest thing he picked up and put in a jar was a centipede. Those freak me out.

I couldn't imagine my life without fear. That would be the life. Franklin D. Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy said, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." We can learn a lot from our children.

"MIRRORING"

Mirroring is a term used when a person copies another while in a social interaction.  This includes body language, tones of voice, gestures, attitude and other aspects of communication.  My daughter has taken on some of these mirroring situations.  She copy's gestures and attitude of my sons autistic traits.

This is hard to deal with when I am teaching my son not to do something.  I have to show him something like a social story to explain why he shouldn't do that, like hit his sister.  My daughter understands why she should not do something wrong.  Since my son has a harder time to understand these situations, my daughter thinks it is okay to keep wrong doing.  She thinks, if he can do that so can I.

What really grinds my gears is when one tells the other to do something they know is wrong.  They think that by telling the other that they won't get into trouble because the other one did it.  That's actually smart thinking but they are both in trouble.

Some days I have to lock myself in the bathroom to shave or shower and I can hear both kids outside the door telling one another to "Kick the door."  I have real trouble getting away for just a couple minutes to get something done myself.  They are always fighting over me.

We used to have this really loud flushing toilet.  When Dane was very little he would scream, even in a dead sleep it would wake him, and come to the bathroom door and do a bicycle kick.  He has kicked doors so hard that he broke the trim off one of them.  This was way before he was diagnosed with autism and we didn't know what to think.  He taught his sister how to do this.  I am in the bathroom and they are outside kicking it down.

We changed the toilet a while later.  I sort of broke the insides trying to fix the loud noise.  I was trying to make it quieter by replacing the insides of the old tank. I guess it was a blessing because our new toilet uses a lot less water and Dane doesn't freak out over the sound of the flush he once did.  Sometimes he misses out on flushing it and throws a tantrum trying to flush it over and over while the tank is refilling.  I wish he could understand that some things he misses out on and other things he is too little to do himself.  Either way, he needs to control his emotions and get over something he wasn't involved in.  He needs to understand that is the way life is.  Sometimes you can do it, sometimes you can't.  Get over it already and move on.

"SELF HARM"

I don't understand the emotions involved in the autistic mind of my son.  When he has his mind set on something he has to do it now or see it.  When told "no" and trying to explain is like opening pandora's box.  Nothing seems to calm him down.  The littlest things can set him off into a meltdown.

This is where he starts to say and do things that are not normal.  He is so upset that he will bite his hand and/or bang his head on the floor or hit the floor.  He will say things like, "I'll break my teeth."  He will put a cloth in his mouth like his shirt or blanket and pull.  Why does he get so upset?  Because I told him "No."  There are boundaries he needs to understand and follow the rules.  Just like everybody else.  When he's like this I am at a total loss.  I try to advert his attention to something else.  Mostly the meltdown just has to run its course.  After that it's a difference of night and day with what just happened.

When trying to control outbreaks like this, remain calm.  The frustration you show feeds into that emotion.  Even trying a stern voice doesn't help in this case.  Most children can understand who is in control.  You are.  Keep your voice calm and try to explain "Why" to the child.  I've tried this but I think my wife does a much better job.  I think he can sense the frustration in my voice or something.  He seems to get a grip on himself faster with her than me trying to talk him out of his anxiety. 

It doesn't help much that we have to work opposite shifts and live like we are single parents.  His little sister doesn't seem to help much when she pushes his buttons.  She knows what's wrong and still she'll mess up his row of cars or take something he likes.  Then he hits her.  I hate that and I try to get control over that and explain that that makes her sad and it hurts her and I have to show him a no-hitting social story. 

"SOCIAL STORIES"

Lately we have had problems with our autistic son hitting his little sister.  Danes behavioral therapist has given us a sheet with a social story on it.  This is a short and simple story with simple pictures that help him to understand why he should not hit others.  The story goes like this:

Sometimes I feel mad <shows angry picture>
I do not hit people <image of no hitting>
Hitting Hurts <image of no hitting and someone crying>
___________ does not like hitting <shows person and no hitting pictures>
I do not hit friends <no hitting picture plus people image>
I say, "I am mad." <shows mad picture with person cringing>

The social story is made up of four different types of sentences.

1.  Descriptive sentences show information about specific social situations or settings. They provide what the person sees, who is involved, and what happens.

2.  Perspective sentences describe the feelings, emotions, thoughts, and/or mood of others. This is the way a situation is viewed by someone else. Children with autism have difficulties understanding how others see things.

3.  Directive sentences provide the autistic child with information about what they should try to do and be successful in that situation.

4.  Control sentences provide the autistic child with how to control their emotions.  In this case with my son.  His anger and wanting to hit his sister.

This is the 3rd social story I have gotten from the school.  When you sit and talk with your child's teachers, let them know what they can do to help you. They will gladly help with any information they can give.