Big Boys Club

During my son's intensive therapy today we were given advice on how to treat Dane more like a big boy and make him feel needed and appreciated.  The therapist recommended small chores and not to give him a question option of "Would you; Can you?"  Instead we have to get down, put our hands on his shoulders and calmly say to him, "Put on your shoes."  "Pick up your toys." etc...Try to make and hold eye contact as well.  She explained that once a parent masters control, all it takes is a look and the child will know what you want of them and they will stop in their tracks.

The therapist explained that my son is expressing a need for attention.  This can be both positive and negative.  Any form of expression you give either praise or anger gives the child some type of attention that the child wants.  You must remain calm and not accelerate their emotion.  Again, you must get down to their level and explain calmly what you want from the child.

She also gave us some explanation saying that telling Dane that he wants to be a big boy and help out like a big boy.  She called it the Big Boys Club.  She wants us to explain to him that when other kids are getting ready for class what other kids will think when he's not ready.  When he refuses to brush his teeth we have to explain that he doesn't want yellow teeth or cavities.  We have to push into his world and help him to grow up.  Children live in the present and we as parents teach them about yesterday and tomorrow.  We should not dwell on the past or worry about the future.  We need to live and connect with our children in the now. 

Working with a child and helping develop their fine motor skills is a skill a child doesn't loose.  Recently, Dane stopped zipping up his pants and coat.  He says he can't and it usually makes me give in to him and zip up or start for him.  The therapist told us that he's doing that for attention.

Tonight I kept giving him the "Your doing so good; You are a big boy; You are such a great helper."  Compliments.  I'm not sure but I think he could see right through it.  Getting his jacket zipped up didn't seem to take as long.  He said he can't.  I got it latched and said, "Okay, I helped, now you finish."  He zipped up and we spent the next several hours outside playing.

Another thing the therapist suggested was separating his sister from him.  She is attached at his hip when ever he is around.  I can see why he gets angry at her and hits her.  He wants time away from her.  We were recommended to get Dane into his room and play alone and have Ally do something else, away from her big brother.  Easier said then done is what I was thinking as she told me this.  It's worth a try.

I mentioned how washing his hair is like pulling teeth.  She suggested that it may be the tingling sensation he feels down the back of his neck while shampooing that makes him so restless and irritable.  She thinks that showering him may help stop that sensation.  

Getting the kids in the house and ready for bed Dane had lost a small bell that was in the guinea pig cage.  He freaked out.  Screamed and cried.  He opened up the cage and was digging through their bedding looking for that little bell.  He was a train wreck.  How can something like a small bell turn someone into a basket case?  I don't know.  Until he found that bell did he not feel like a total weight lifted off his shoulders.  I am so glad he found that bell or I would never hear the end of it.

No Easy Explanation

I feel that you really need to tell an autistic child several times about something before it happens. I try to tell my son about leaving for work and he goes through a range of emotions.

He will ask, "I come to?" To tell him that he can't go gets him really sad. He cries and walks away. A while later we will tell him again that I have to leave and that I will be back later. This time he will get angry and stomp his feet and storms off crying.

This happened again at his grandparents house. Grandma was having a dinner award for her 40 years in the factory. Grandpa had to go with, and why not, it's a free meal. Telling him that Grandpa has to leave and he can't go set him off. Sadness, anger, agitation. It's very overwhelming. It leaves me stressed trying to make him understand that he will be back. Some things he just can't do with us or his grandparents.

The time came when Grandpa was leaving for the dinner party. He didn't take it so hard at the final moments of his leaving. What a relief. I thought he would go into a tantrum and we would have to deal with that for the next hour. Maybe it was worth telling him 5 times prior leaving to not deal with him screaming. I could have dealt without the tantrums the other 4 times however.

With therapy and hope, he will eventually be able to control his emotions from what his therapists tell me. Autism is not cured but it is treated. It is not easy dealing with situations that you have no control over. Once control is regained, the bitter sweetness of happy children who we love is upon us until the next fight or meltdown. Enjoy it while you can. With fingers crossed, it will get better with each passing day.

"DISCIPLINE"

My autistic son has a hard time dealing with his emotions.  They take over and run his life.  As a parent dealing with behavioral meltdowns it is complicated to not set off his temper.  When he has his mind set on something, like, going to the store with Grandpa, telling him "No" can trigger this emotion.  We try to explain that, "Grandpa will be right back!" doesn't help.  He can't deal with being left out for a few minutes.

This brings up his behavioral meltdown/tantrum.  His mind is over-loaded with sadness and heartache that he is left out.  Then comes anger.  He throws, stomps his feet, slaps the wall and slams the doors.

What do you do with a child who learn these life situations and can understand?  You use discipline.  Autistic or not, discipline has to be a used practice.  To not discipline the child for being naughty and not listening to you lets that child walk all over you.  Soon, you will not have any control over bad moments if they get away with bad behavior all the time.

Take something away like their favorite toy to teach them that they were bad.  When they are good they can have it back.  Think of a way to teach your child that they were doing something wrong and not listening to you.  Discipline has its key role to teach our children right from wrong.

My sons Behavioral Therapist through the school gave us a reward chart to use.  When he is good and does as he is told, he gets a smiley face sticker on the chart.  When his goal is not reached, he gets a sad face sticker.  When he sees more smiley faces on that chart it makes him feel that he is meeting his goals.  That also makes a parent happy to see your child doing what they are supposed to do.

With discipline comes rewards.  A child who maintains his self-discipline deserves something for his/her good work.  You have to let the child know that you are pleased with the results you are seeing.  Let the child choose their reward also.  Something like a small toy or to play at the park.  It doesn't have to be big, just something the child enjoys.  Giving the child a choice in their rewards makes them feel happy and in control. 

That is what discipline is about.  Taking something bad and making something good come out of it.  Like their behavior.

"EMOTIONS"

I try my best to keep my son with ASD happy.  Some times it is virtually impossible.  The slightest thing sets him off.  Tonight it was a straw to drink his milk.

It all started when his sister was drinking her milk.  Naturally, he woke up from his nap and wanted milk also.  I get him a glass of milk.  That's not good enough. He wants a straw to drink with.  I try and explain that we are out of straws.  This started off his temper.  Now, to regain control over the situation.

He's sitting in my leather rocker recliner and starts rocking hard.  Then, he goes and tips over his toys.  He grabs other objects and gets ready to throw.  He stomps his feet around the house.  What do I do?  Is this part of his autism or behavior?

I try and pick him up to give him a hug to settle him down.  I tell him it's alright that we will have to get more straws.  He's still really upset.

This goes on for a while.  It seems like it will never end.  When you least expect it, it's over.  He's done with his tantrum.  Wiping away tears from his eyes and taking deep breaths. 

Parenting an autistic child you have to call the signs of a meltdown.  One like this will strike out of no where.  Remain calm. You have to try and control your temper as well.  The child will feed off that emotion and things will get worse.  Bite your lip and take a deep breath. We will get through another day.  One day at a time.  You have to have bad days to appreciate the good ones.