Don't React. Act

Upon discussing with the family counselor we have learned that we say too much.  When the children are misbehaving or we do not like what they are doing we don't act.  We need to give a look of disapproval and if bad behavior is the problem, time out.

Talking and scolding goes no where.  It gives the children negative attention.  Whether attention is good or bad, it is still attention.   We need to put a mark on the brain when learning good from bad.  When bad happens we need to teach the kids that they have done something bad.  Praise is when they do good and compliment how good they were.  Being naughty deserves nothing.  That is why talking doesn't help.  Explaining doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work.  Say nothing.  After time out, ask what s/he did wrong.  If they shrug their shoulders, tell them what was wrong.

With Danes auditory processing disorder, the counselor explained that while we are 3 sentences into telling him what he did wrong, he's back on the first few words.  I try to cut sentences short so he understands but the counselor is right.  Bad behavior doesn't even deserve explanation.  Soon we should be able to get "the look" as she describes it.  When the children are misbehaving and giving them that look will make them stop in their tracks.  Like a deer in headlights.

Dane had a meltdown the other night because Allyson stepped on his pin wheel.  She barely touched it with her foot.  Dane reacted very emotionally and wanted a new pin wheel.  He kept saying "Ally broke it."  He wanted to go to the store.  He jumped in my vehicle and was pushing down on the pedals to drive.  I have to keep the doors locked on both cars so he doesn't go in anymore.

I explained and kept telling Dane that his pin wheel was fine.  It still spins, it is not broke.  We don't have to go to the store.  On and on I kept telling him.  Nothing worked.  In a meltdown like this the counselor said I wasted my breath.  She said to get him in the house and put him in his room.  I said that he'd scream, kick and hit if I carried him in. In this case, I need to get down behind him and firmly hug him.  Not saying anything as well to get him to come out of that state.

When bad behavior is a problem, we can't just stay sitting on the couch telling the kids not to do what we disapprove of as parents.  We need to get up and make them stop.  That is why my kids have me wrapped around their little fingers at times.  I need to regain control of my household.  It doesn't pay to get excited and yell because that just makes things worse.  Get up and make the kids learn who is in charge.

FAMILY COUNSELING

Let's face it.  Everyone has problems.  Throw in a child with special needs is like riding a bicycle up hill.  It makes it that much harder.  To make things easier for you, wouldn't you want to get off that bike and walk up it.  That's the way I think about it.

Some days are better than others.  Some are horrible.  Throw in a full days hard work and then taking care of kids is yet another full time job in itself.  Would you like just to sit down and relax for once?  I sure would.

Divorce is on the rise of parents with special needs children.  Taking care of my autistic son some days is no walk in the park.  Other days it seems like he is a normal boy smiling and playing with his little sister. 

They like to take turns on who is naughty.  When they are fighting over their toys there is no pleasing either one.  If they can't play nice, no one gets to play with that toy.  Then I'm the bad guy.  Why can't they get along when I am so exhausted after a long day?  That would be nice.

Time to get out.  Drop the kids off with the grandparents or the baby sitter.  Even a trip to the store without the children can take the edge off.  Life and marriage with children is stressful.  Take the time to get reconnected with your spouse.  Talk about you want from each other or go on a date.  Time off is a good thing.

Family counseling is going to be a part of my sons intensive therapy for his autism.  I did not like the idea at first but its worth saving my marriage and working out the kinks.  The best thing I think people can do with children is work out their differences.  For the children. 

I've seen the effects divorce does to children.  It messes with their heads.  One parent bashes the other.  I do not like that.  I do not want to be one of those fathers who just walks out.  Long story short. Work things out and think about your kids first.  Maybe family counseling is the right thing for you to save your family.